Darkness

Dear God, I opened my eyes yesterday morning - and there it was again. The incessant pounding at the top of my head that rang so extreme that it nearly brought me to my knees. Forced to close my eyes, I thought to myself, "WHAT IS GOING ON with these headaches?" I tightly gripped the pillow that once covered my eyes, and rearranged it to cover my ears in efforts of cradling my pounding head! Nearly a half hour later (through heat induced sweat and horrific humidity) I groggled my way into an upright position. I reached over behing the garbage bag filled with clothes - and with outstretched hands and a hazy memory, I tried to "feel" for where I'd left the half-filled bag of sanitary napkins. After what seemed like an hour of searching, I retrieved the bag and proceeded to remove one of the napkins from the bag. Peering intently through forced darkness, I fumbled in agony as I attempted to align the strip of tape to the inside of my underwear. In frustration, I began to cry. My heart exploded! And I have no more room inside the walls of my bleeding heart to contain the pain! The violation that I felt had finally reached its pinnacle and I could no longer bypass the severity of the detriment that I felt. And it was here, in this very moment that I finally realized just how much of my personal life and space had been violated. Have you ever chose to live in a world of darkness because light was no longer an option? Imagine every inch of your life being infiltrated, recorded and exploited...then displayed for the entire world to see! Women are very intimate creatures by nature, and for us...privacy is a necessity! So imagine, if you will, having your inner freedom hijacked - then finding out that the people you trusted more than anyone in the world have been an active part of your demise! Imagine giving your all - in the Spirit of Christ - to care for the very people who've betrayed you! Imagine caring for the one's who criticize your works... while exploiting your efforts! I'm criticized now and called lazy simply because I need to rest. But little do they know...my body is breaking down. Yeah, for the last 6/7 months since the cameras were placed...you see me resting. But I ask myself, "where were the cameras during the last 3 back surgeries, where were the cameras during the cataract surgery, the countless doctor visits, the trips to the pharmacy, the nerve blocks, the cooking, the shopping...and the countless other things on my To-Do-List that I was more than happy to get done. I'm exhausted...but not for cargiving. I'm exhausted from being criticized by the people I've cared for the most. I've never hurt this bad in my life! And everyday, I plead to my Father for understanding. I pray for answers, while seeking His mercy. And I beg to understand why I have no strength for this battle. And with a tearful yet repentive heart, I also ask God for forgiveness. Not just for succumbing to the distractions...but also for the fear of no longer having salt for the tasteless egg whites. (tbc...)